How do You forgive?

How do you forgive?
Does forgiveness exist for everyone?
Is everyone deserving of forgiveness?

 

Dear father, 
you betrayed me. 
You hurt me.
You gave me PTSD
or at least a small version of it.
Anxiety,
Trauma,
Fear. 
Fear of being abandoned, forgotten, hurt.
Because of you, the memories of my childhood, have been erased. 
Except

You.
At the exact moment, I needed you most,
You left me. 

It’s been 19years since I’ve seen you,

16 since I’ve heard your voice.

 

20 years of coming to terms with what you’ve done, what you’ve said 
and how you made me feel.

But 5 years since I’ve learned to forgive.


Through your absence, I’ve learned the definition of forgiveness.
I understand what it means to forgive.

Forgiveness, exists in me.
I have the power to let go, to move on. 
I am the bigger person, and because of you, I am a stronger person.

 

Forgiveness, 
Even when I’ve asked for forgiveness 
For my own selfish actions,
and in return I get a demeaning response, a response meant to hurt me..
I forgive.

But I don’t forget.
I will never forget actions and words thrown at me.
The way I was meant to feel. 
The way I was told to feel.


Forgiveness is my power, my strength. 
I choose to grow into a better human, a woman, 
for myself. 
But not forgetting,
Reminds me to keep my eyes,
my ears,
open.

Not everyone is deserving of forgiveness, 

But you are deserving of a better today,

Heal today.